Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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