the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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