i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im holly from the hills drunk
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
