positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
