At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
