i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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