So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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