I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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