if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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