Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
