I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
