guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
