i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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