ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
