At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
