Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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