I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
