yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
