i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i think i have two assholes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
