So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
