And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
50% drunk capacity currently
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
