How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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