remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize