Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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