I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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