I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
