I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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