If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
