the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
