Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
