Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
