Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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