you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
