Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
