Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The air was thick with penises
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
