I love black thongs
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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