I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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