man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
