i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize