Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize