She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
