I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
