I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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