it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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