so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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