you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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