I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
