In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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