Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize