I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
