Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
