He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
