Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
