This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
