I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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