yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
